BP, now known as America’s douchiest syndicate, has admitted to altering photos of their oil spill cleanup efforts. So, not only are they drowning thousands of ocean creatures, ruining our recreational market, and stabbing our economy in the neck, they’re also drowning the American people…in their lies.

From Telegraph

“The oil giant was forced to issue new guidelines to staff to “refrain from doing (sic) cutting-and-pasting” after several official company images were found to have been doctored.

BP admitted on Thursday that it “Photoshopped” some of its official images that were posted on its website and vowed to stop the embarrassing practice.

For the second time in two days, the company was identified to have doctored images posted on its official website that were supposed to show how it was responding to the oil crisis in America.”

Things BP needs to improve on: operations management, balance sheet manipulation, lying.

We all know Native Americans from Thanksgiving greeting cards, textbooks, and probably most notably from the hit tv-show, King of the Hill, but did you know that there is a strong historical back story associated with the Native Americans? It’s true. Apparently, at one point in time North America was entirely populated by, what we call, American Indians. Fortunately, we bought the land from them, fully knowing that it was in their best interests. You’re welcome.

[via]

“Native Americans say the purchases will help protect their culture and way of life by preserving burial grounds and areas where sacred rituals are held. They also provide land for farming, timber and other efforts to make the tribes self-sustaining.

Tribes put more than 840,000 acres — or roughly the equivalent of the state of Rhode Island — into trust from 1998 to 2007, according to information The Associated Press obtained from the federal Bureau of Indian Affairs under the Freedom of Information Act.”

I remember studying about Native Americans in social studies, which was like…I don’t know…13 years ago? Honestly, I haven’t heard anything about Native Americans until now, but apparently they still exist and own a hefty share of casinos. See, you can learn a lot from tv.

According to a recently published survey from AAA, it appears college students pay too much for parking privileges. Shocker.

[via]

“Students can pay a pretty penny just to own and operate a car and to park it on campus and to cover all the other incidentals — the cost of insurance, car care, repairs and other expenses — that invariably come with having a car,” said John B. Townsend II, the association’s mid-Atlantic manager of public and government affairs.

Despite the cost, almost three-quarters of the nation’s 18.4 million college students will return to campus with a car, AAA said. The association’s annual guide said some students will spend as much as $8,095 a year to keep and maintain a new car at school.

“Typically, college students spend nearly $15 billion annually on cars, according to various estimates,” Townsend said.”

Wow.  Top notch research by AAA.  I’ve been told by an insider at AAA that their next survey to be released is entitled “College Students Overpay for Textbooks.”  Seriously, they had to conduct a whole survey and waste a bunch of money to cover the costs when all they could have done is asked one fucking kid how much he pays for his parking pass and they would’ve had their answer?  Unfuckingbelievable.

Ello guvnuh!

Apparently Cockney is still important enough to the banks in England that they will start to offer it as a selectable language on ATMs across the sea.

“Bank Machine, which runs 2,500 ATMs across the country, has set up five cash dispensers in locations from Spittalfields to Barnet that offer customers the option either to request cash in English, or “moolah for ya sky rocket” in cockney.Ask for cockney and the machine tells you it is “Readin’ your bladder of lard” before asking for your “Huckleberry Finn”. Then the hard decisions start. Do you want to see your balance on the Charlie Sheen? Or withdraw sausage and mash?

If the Chitty Chitty Bang Bang cash machines are a success, the company hopes to follow them up with Brummie, Geordie, Scouse and Scots ATMs (suggestions for these much welcomed – the British Library’s Sounds Familiar website, which tracks accents and dialects, was not a huge amount of help in coming up with the Brummie for cash).”

Now that’s what I call using your loaf!  Regardless of the fact that Cockney is a dying “language” used primarily in East London only, you can still check your bank balance on the Charlie Sheen and take out a Lady Godiva if you’ve got deep enough sky rockets. Be careful of overdrafting though, as you’ll find yourself in a great big heap of Barney!

"The economy doesn't suck. I'm so serial you guys"

Ben Bernanke, Federal Reserve Chairman, said that we’ve got the worst behind us in terms of the economic collapse. Hopefully after we finally recover from the suckness, we can change our spending habits and not be the greedy, fat, money-hungry Americans that the rest of the world has labeled us to be. Whatever though, they’re just jealous.

[via]

“JACKSON, Wyo., Aug. 21 — The world economy is starting to emerge from its deep recession, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben S. Bernanke said Friday, owing to aggressive action by the Fed and other policymakers.

“After contracting sharply over the past year, economic activity appears to be leveling out, both in the United States and abroad, and the prospects for growth in the near term appear good,” Bernanke said, in a speech at an economic symposium sponsored by the Kansas City Fed.

Bernanke laid out a broad defense of the central bank’s actions in the financial crisis Friday morning, arguing that the extraordinary interventions of the Fed and its counterparts around the world averted global catastrophe.

Bernanke said that the financial crisis that deepened in September “sparked a deep global recession, from which we are only now beginning to emerge.”"

Time to take out a huge loan and buy a $100,000 car, and a $1.2 million dollar estate out in Hollywood Hills. I’ll just pay it all back later. Sounds reasonable, right?

T-Mobile, also known as the nation’s worst mobile service provider, formerly known as the company that offered the sidekick, has seemingly been in the business of repackaging old iPhone 3G’s to keep high brow customers wanting. With the release of the 3Gs, who the fuck would want an old iPhone 3G? They’re basically the same thing, but if you’re out to buy an iPhone, chances are you’re a savvy tech user that always wants, nay, needs to have the latest gear on hand. Plus, T-Mobile is definitely screwing you because if you’re just signing up with their service, there’s no way they’ll hand you an iPhone. They’re strictly reserved for customers that are tired of shitty service and who are threatening to leave them for a younger, more attractive service provider.

[via]

“Apple’s 3G handset won’t be available to just any T-Mobile customer – only high spenders who threaten to leave need apply, and only 150 of those a week will be lucky enough to get their hands on an officially-supported T-Mobile iPhone, though even that risks annoying Apple and will certainly have O2 up in arms.

We previously reported rumours that T-Mobile, and possibly Orange, would be getting the iPhone 3G later in the year as O2′s exclusivity period ended. But when we spoke to O2 this morning, the operator assured us that its exclusive deal included the iPhone 3G, and was still firmly in place.

So T-Mobile has imported an unknown number of iPhone 3G handsets from a European distributor, which it will be supplying to customers paying more than £75 a month if they threaten to leave – the latter clause enforced by allocating the handsets through 50 agents in the retentions department, and limiting those agents to three a week each.”

Why would you want an iPhone supported by T-Mobile? Unless you enjoy never having a signal, or paying a premium for iPhone maintenance, then go ahead and waste your money. The greatest thing about T-Mobile? Catherine Zeta Jones.

When I’m drunk, I really don’t give a fuck about what I spend my money on. I’ll shell out $50 bucks at the bar, then spend another $20 on a cab ride. Hell, I’ll even spend $4 at 7-11 for a chili-dog and a drink. The point is, you practically hand out money when you’re inebriated, which really hinders money saving practices due to the fact that going out is way too expensive. I don’t feel like buying a beer for $3. I won’t even buy my 2 year old daughter bottled water at that price.  But now, you don’t have to worry about over spending at the bar, because you can just stay in and drink! Fun.

[via]

“the MillerCoors’s home draft systems can be placed upright in a refrigerator, and can keep beer fresh for about 30 days.

If you’re looking for the absolute cheapest optionwith less concern about quality or taste, it may not be worth it. A mini MillerCoors keg gives you about 16 12-ounce beers that cost about $1.25 each. 

But if you belong to the 30% of beer drinkers who prefer tap beer, according to the Journal’s report, you may think it’s worth it to pay the 15% price-per-ounce premium over an 18-pack of beer in cans.”

I’m not so much a beer connoisseur, as I am a fan of it’s thrilling effects. I don’t care about the taste of beer. I just care about how hot it makes that husky girl in my accounting class look. And believe me…she’s looking reeeeal good right now.

According to CNN Money, the highest earning college degrees require high competency in math skills, which really blows for me because I’m terrible at math. I’d major in engineering if I didn’t mind the 18+ credit hour semesters, and you know, not having a life. In addition, my work ethic is, for lack of a better word, non-existent (2 words?). At this moment, I’m sitting at my desk doing nothing but staring at my screen and reading articles on the net. I should be building scripts, monitoring servers, and installing virtual machines, but I choose not to because I want to inform my lovely audience on the goodies the internet has to offer. And seriously, math is fucking hard.

[via]

“There are far fewer people graduating with math-based majors, compared to their liberal-arts counterparts, which is why they are paid at such a premium. The fields of engineering and computer science each make up about 4% of all college graduates, while social science and history each comprise 16%, Koc noted.

As a result, salaries for graduates who studied fields like social work command tiny paychecks, somewhere in the vicinity of $29,000. English, foreign language and communications majors make about $35,000, Koc said.

“It’s a supply and demand issue,” he added. “So few grads offer math skills, and those who can are rewarded.”"

This is really a punch in the face for those liberal arts kids. I wouldn’t get too hung up on these statistics, seeing as how our economy sucks and it’s hard for anyone to get a job. But enough about you, what about me? What am I going to do? I add and subtract with my fingers, and I use a calculator whenever I can. Looks like I’m going to have to start thinking sooner or later. Fuck.

The second worst thing to actually being in an airport is the realization that you can’t get free wi-fi access. I do realize that the nerd in me is coming to fruition, but seriously, there’s nothing to fucking to do in an airport besides watch other people sleep. Some airports do offer free internet stations where you have to sit next to some stranger as you peruse your facebook…only to realize that they’ve been looking over your shoulder the whole time–it’s happened to me before. It’s about as awkward as pooping next to someone who’s pooping in the stall next to you.

[via]

“So I charged up the laptop and tried to go online. No luck. The airport offered a pay-as-you-go system called “Boingo” and I was not able to hitch a ride on any of the other unsecured Wi-Fi systems.

But while looking at the Boingo pay-now portal, I noticed that there was slot for a promotional code. HMMM?

Minutes later in the gift shop, I saw a stack of “15 minutes Free Wi-Fi” coupons from Boingo. Boingo provides Wi-Fi at over 500 airports, 17,000 hotels (Marriotts & Hiltons, etc) and 9,000 McDonald’s.

Hmm. The clerk gave me a Boingo card and I sat down to log on for free minutes.”

I think they should start offering free wi-fi everywhere. I don’t understand how McDonald’s and Starbucks can offer free wi-fi, while an airport doesn’t. I’m pretty sure people conduct way more business waiting in an airport than sitting in a McDonald’s looking through their contacts in an act of loneliness. “I’m pretty sure people conduct way more business?” That sounded kind of unsmart. I need new job to kill time in day.

New Homepage

Hopefully this is a joke…

[via]

“As the longtime publisher of this news-paper, it is my duty and unrestrained pleasure to inform you spittle-soaked readers that I have sold The Onion and all of its various holdings to a syndicate of industrious China-men from the deepest heart of the Orient. One of their representatives oozed and crawled from his dank hut to visit me in person at my bedside last week, and make known his superiors’ desire to expand their clammy clutch into the Western world. After subjecting me to a good 20 minutes of infernal bowing and other assorted chinky-dinkery, he offered to pay me what I’ve been assured is an appropriately absurd parcel of riches to take this tiresome publication off my feeble hands for good.”

More and more companies are trying to take advantage of the social networking boom. With sites like twitter and facebook, corporate america sees this as an opportunity to capitalize on the huge market that these sites provide access to. It’s a cheap and effective way to get your brand out to the masses. Who better to take the reigns than the generation that utilizes it best; Generation Y. Twintern, a new position that has been coined in the workforce. What does being a twintern entail? Tweeting about your company…all day. We all know being an intern sucks, seeing as how you’re stuck doing the work that’s beneath everyone else in your office. Like this girl, Alexa Robinson, who’s a new twintern for Pizza Hut. Oh no, she has to send 10 tweets out a day. How rigorous.

[via]

“Because her posts are not monitored by superiors, she has license to tweet freely in real time. Some of her tweets sound like straight sales pitches: “Have you tried our new Tuscani Pasta Pairs? 2 of our delicious pastas and breadsticks starting at $13.99!?” But others are more personal, like this one: “what are you listening to? My ears are craving some tunes to shake off this case of the Mondays after the holiday!”

Robinson beat out hundreds of competitors to secure the paid summer internship at the restaurant headquarters in Dallas. She calls herself “no stranger to social media,” with previous internship experience and a degree in mass communication and advertising from the University of North Carolina-Chapel Hill. Plus, she says, pizza is one of her favorite foods. As evidenced by her first tweet — “Luv my new job!” — Robinson is enthusiastic.”

Wow, now I’m not saying that my job is harder than hers…no wait, it is. It’s harder being a cashier at home depot than a twintern. Twitter’s so useless…

[via]

“In this particular case, Wells Fargo holds the first and second mortgages on a condominium, according to Sarasota, Fla., attorney Dan McKillop, who represents the condo owner.

As holder of the first, Wells Fargo is suing all other lien holders, including the holder of the second, which is itself.

… court documents clearly label “Wells Fargo Bank NA” as the plaintiff and “Wells Fargo Bank NA” as a defendant.”

Suing yourself is like admitting to murder, or telling your wife you cheated on her. It’s just better to keep these sort of things buried deep inside where they’ll never come up again.